Category Archives: just plain ol’ writing

It’s Valentine’s Day.

You’re in luck, little ones, because I have a warm and loving story to tell you in honor of this day.

And like all good stories, this one is about my father.

Deniro

I have had a few Valentines in my life. I had a boyfriend in college who bought me three dozen roses and gave each dozen to me on campus at different points in the day.

I had a different boyfriend who once bought me the baby pink stilettos I was oogling in the store and then thought that meant he could spend all Valentine’s Day getting high with his high school Bro’s as a reward.

I’ve had all kinds of Valentine’s Day experiences, some romantic, some disappointing, some filled with friends, and others filled with empty candy wrappers littering the couch. In all 26 years of my life there’s only been two constants for me when it comes to guys and Valentine’s Day.

1. Valentine’s Day will come every year.

2. My father will do nothing about it.

Valentine’s Day comes and goes, my friends, and not a word each year from the first and only man in my life.

Now, I never knew that there was a tradition of fathers celebrating Valentine’s Day with their daughters- because, hello? my dad didn’t- until I started to see other girls receive heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and balloons in college.

“Where did you get those candies?” I would ask.

“Oh, my dad”, they would reply. “I’m such a loser that I only receive Valentine’s Day gifts from my father.” Giggle.

To which, in my head I would think, “Am I SUCH A LOSER that I don’t even get Valentine’s Day shit from MY DAD?”

My dad is not interested in Valentine’s Day. He’s not even interested in Birthdays. So much so that he doesn’t even sign his own damn name in the card.

Once I asked my mom, “Hey Mom, how come Dad never signs his own name in my Birthday cards?”

Do you want to know what she said?

“He doesn’t sign the card because I don’t let him. If he signed the card he would ruin it by writing something annoying like,

‘Happy Birthday. Stop watching so much tv.’ “

And you know what, she’s right.

To better illustrate who he is, let me share a lesson about love and responsibility I learned directly from my father.

As you may have read before, I spent an inordinate amount  of my childhood at Atlantic City. During the hours my mother spent at the casinos, my father would take me around the mall across the boardwalk from Caesar’s Palace. If you go to this mall today, Pier Shops, you will discover stores selling luxury items, a gourmet candy shop, and other such novelty items for the rich and bored. However, when I was a kid, this mall was filled with stores catering to the exact opposite clientele.

This is NOT what it looked like when I was a kid

This is NOT what it looked like when I was a kid

I remember there was a dollar store, a McDonalds, a Rainbow (or some other store selling slutty teenage clothes for under $10 a pop) and a rundown arcade. My father, because he loved me, would take me through the mall and let me play arcade games and eat Happy Meals until it was time to return to the hotel to meet Momma.

We almost always stayed in Caesar’s, which was directly in front of this mall. In order to walk into the mall you would have to climb a ramp that was set at an angle large enough to warrant concern from the average casino goer, i.e. out of shape person.

This was no problem for me and Daddy, except for the one time it was.

One time, Dad and I went to The Pier Shop to kill some time. It was dead Winter. Cold. It had been snowing the entire day. After spending time at the child casino arcade, Dad and I zipped up our down jackets and walked outside. The snow had not only gathered significantly since we had entered the mall, but as the night was approaching, the whole boardwalk had frozen over. Standing before us and Caesar’s Palace was a sheet of ice descending at a cautionary angle. Immediately I stuck out my nine year-old hand and said, “Hold my hand, Daddy.”

To which my father replied, “No.”

“No?”

“NO.”

“Janine…”, He reasoned, “If I hold your hand, then we both have a greater chance of falling than if we don’t hold hands.”

And then he descended the ramp…without me.

That’s my father. He’s a loving man. Loving enough to spend hours with me at the decrepit mall of Atlantic City, but too practical to hold my hand as we slid down an ice ramp from hell.

So one year I decided, enough is enough. He’s not getting away with this slacking dad routine ANYMORE. This time, it’s my Birthday,goddamnit, and I have a father, goddamnit, and yeah, maybe I was single that year and bitter, but I WAS GETTING FLOWERS FOR F’SAKE AND THEY WERE COMING FROM HIM.

I called him from Jackson, MS, a place which, of course, he helped me drive cross country to move to, but let’s overlook that piece of irony so I can focus on how I’ve been mistreated all my life.

“Daddy, you’re always telling me I don’t need a boyfriend, because I have you, right?”

“Yeah”

“Well, my Birthday is coming. And I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah”

“So…I was thinking…you should send me flowers.”

Long pause.

“No. I don’t think so.”

I couldn’t believe it…NO?!? Really? His own miserable, single, homesick daughter? How could he say “NO”?

So I did the next best thing. I called my mom.

“MOM”

“Hi Sweetie.”

“MOM, Dad refuses to get me flowers for my Birthday.”

“Ah. Sounds like your father.”

She was no help. But I wasn’t giving up that easily. Oh, no. I called him EVERY DAY until my Birthday to remind him to send me flowers.

My Birthday comes. No flowers.

An unknown number shows up on my phone and leaves a voice mail. This is what it said,

“Hi…(pause) Janine… This is Mike, from (enter florist name here), yeah…uh… there seems to have been a mess up with an order of flowers that was supposed to arrive today for you. Your father ordered a bouquet to be sent to your house, however we messed up the order and they were unable to arrive today. So, I’m sorry for the mishap, and I hope you have a wonderful Birthday.”

 

So, naturally, I called my father.

“Dad. I just got the strangest message from a florist about flowers…”

“Yeah,” my father says.

“Yeah, what happened??”

He answers, “THIS GUY messes up my order…calls me up and says the flowers won’t be there until tomorrow…apologizes and wants to reimburse me.”

“Ok…”

“Yeah, so I tell him, “NO. I don’t want the flowers late. NOT ONLY are you going to reimburse me, but you’re going TO CALL MY DAUGHTER AND APOLOGIZE AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHY THOSE FLOWERS DIDN’T ARRIVE TODAY.”

Copy_of_WallStreet2

“So you’re telling me you made this guy call me to apologize?”

“Yeah, you believe this guy? Messed up the order.”

“So, I’m not getting flowers?…”

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Poor Mike. Mike had to call me up and apologize for messing up an order, my dad got his money back, and I got squat.

Why I couldn’t have received the flowers a day late, I don’t know. Probably the same reason my father still, TO THIS DAY, thinks he was correct in refusing to hold my hand as I slid down the ramp in Atlantic City.

I’ll never understand the way he thinks, no one does. But, I have to say, he has definitely given me a lot of great stories to write.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dad. There are no flowers heading your way.

My Practical Valentine

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Celebrating the Super Bowl Is Messing with My Mardi Gras Mojo…

 

Writer Brett Will Taylor on WWNO said it better than anyone else, including moi. So I’m just going to let him share it with you fine folks.

See the original or to hear Brett read over the air: WWNO Celebrating Super Bowl XLVII

(Emphasis mine, because I can!)

 

To paraphrase Dr. John, such a weekend!

From the Westbank to New Orleans to Slidell, Carnival officially kicked into high gear these past few days as 19 krewes rolled, celebrating everything from lions and dogs, to Wookies and Greek gods… even Mona Lisa & Moon Pies.

But, now it stops. For nine days. Because the Super Bowl is coming to town. I’d rather have Santa Claus.

Still, I’m going to be a team player and make sure I look all nice and gentlemanly for the Ravens and 49ers. For the next week, I’ll sit up straight. Tuck my shirt in.  Might even wear socks.

Admit it. You’ll do the same thing. Why? Because we’re all in love with the City of New Orleans. And when the one you love asks you to look nice in front of 120,000 strangers, you do it. No matter the inconvenience.

Besides, there are a few reasons to celebrate Super Bowl XLVII. I count three.

First, it’s a party. Oh sure, we’re not officially invited, but when has that stopped us? If you live in New Orleans, you’re automatically invited to any party, anywhere, any time. It’s just the way we roll. And what’s a NOLA party without a fest? Super Bowl Boulevard is a four-day festival that features 49 bands, 12 parades, and 54 dishes of food. I don’t know about you, but I’ll celebrate any Thursday that let’s me hang out by the river while eating a Po’ Boy, drinking an Abita and listening to Amanda Shaw.

Second, this party is NOT for Atlanta. Super Bowl XLVII isn’t easy for New Orleans. But it would have been hell on Earth if the Falcons were playing. Fortunately, dat won’t happen. Once again, the gods have shown their supreme wisdom and reminded us that, when it comes to football, the Saints have Super Bowl rings. And the Falcons? Well, I guess they have, what? Onion rings?

Finally, let me suggest that there is even reason to celebrate the fact that Roger Goodell is coming to town. I know, I know. We was robbed. Free Sean Payton — before the season, not after it. But hear me out. Think about it. For one entire week, every time a plate of food is put down in front of him, the good Commissioner has to wonder if there isn’t some, shall we say, lagniappe, in his étouffe. Perhaps, as a local restaurant owner suggested to The New York Times, Goodell will bring a taster. If we’re really lucky, that taster will be… from Atlanta.

 

So good, and so true.

 

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Gone To See That Mardi Gras

It’s parade day in New Orleans. The sun is out and it’s about 75 degrees outside. From my window I heard a horn playing. It’s going to be a magical day.

Tonight I have services for Shabbat AS fdm.snfl ewkbf:ewkjbf :ebnf: bwef

So, I won’t be able to see Krewe of Cork, Krewe of Oshun, or Krewe of Cleopatra.

Oh, but I’ll be back tomorrow St. Charles. You know I will.

mardigras_coverage_banner

I think there’s a bear mauling a Mardi Gras Indian in this photograph. That’s different.

 

Sunday is Krewe of Barkus, which you are correct to assume is an all canine krewe. I’ve wanted to see it in the past, and this year I’m making it happen.

I would bring Fitz, but he would most likely lose his little freaking mind with all the dogs around on leashes. We would never be allowed back.

In honor of the first weekend of parades, here is a list of my favorite things about Mardi Gras

Sound of Music style…

 

These are a few of my favorite Mardi Gras things

1. The Rolling Elvi

2. King Cake, obvi

king-cake3

3. 610 stompers

Ordinary Men. Extraordinary Moves. New Orlean’s one and only all-male dance crew.

4. Beads in the oak trees

(c)2009 Sharon Keating

(c)2009 Sharon Keating

5. Dressing up

lindseyand me

6. Dressing up as Marilyn Monroe and catching the Marilyn coconut from Zulu

me as marilyn

7. Seeing everyone else dressed up

 

Happy Carnival, y’all.

King Cake’s Birthday, an Unauthorized List of Happiness

Didja know? This Sunday is January 6.

And while maybe January 6 is no big deal for most of the world (in other words, you’re boring Chicago), in NEW ORLEANS January 6 is King’s Day.

What happens on King’s Day?

king-cake3

All the bakeries in town open their french doors and the glorious smell of King Cake cascades into the air filling the streets of New Orleans with light and love and happiness and sugar. I like to call it King Cake’s Birthday. It’s also a signal that Mardi Gras is on it’s pretty little way.

flanders

snnfff. I’m excited.

(Btw, I just noticed that Flanders’ yellow skin, green shirt, and purple curtains are all Mardi Gras colors. Coincidence?)

So, in honor of King Cake’s Birthday!!!!!!! I’m going to give you my current list of why New Orleans is the only city that matters you should come visit me in New Orleans. This list is in no particular order, nor should it be considered official because I’m writing today under a self-induced hysterical sugar high.

Last night I went to a stellar author talk and book reading at Octavia Books. Emily Epstein Landau was in town for the American Historian Association Conference and came to talk about her book, Spectacular Wickedness, a study of race and sex politics in Storyville, New Orleans. I have always been fascinated by the history of Storyville, especially Bellocq’s Storyville photographs. There’s so much I still want to learn about this historic area in New Orleans, and my wonderful artist neighbor Nikki offered to take me on a tour (hopefully Tuesday?). Hurray! Until then, check out her work on Etsy.

A few weeks ago, I heard about The Goodnight Show with John Calhoun. I had been wanting to visit the New Orleans Healing Center since it opened and when I found out The Goodnight Show was playing at Cafe Istanbul, I was interested. When I found out that he would have Meschiya Lake on his show, I was sold.

Even though after two hours my butt was numb, the show was well worth the $10. Not only was there a bar serving “Goodnight Show Cocktails” of bourbon and soda, but there was a lot packed into the show. First, Dwight Henry, star of Beasts of the Southern Wild and owner of The Buttermilk Drop Bakery and Cafe, came on and spoke. He explained that he was reluctant to leave his bakery and so he refused several times to be in the movie. Director Benh Zeitlin literally had to convince him that he was the only one for the role. Then Meschiya Lake, who I usually hear sign jazz songs, came on and sang a couple of her own love ballads. Her vocals were breathtaking. I could tell how nervous she was when John Calhoun interviewed her, I’m assuming she’s much more comfortable on stage signing then talking because when she’s singing she’s a goddess. She did tell a funny story about how when she was 9 years old she sang a Patsy Cline song and won an adult competition in a South Dakota steakhouse’s talent show. Then she toasted to her mom for bringing a 9 year old to a steakhouse bar competition.

And then she told us about the time she ran away to join the circus.

God, I love me some Meschiya Lake.

What was unique about the Goodnight Show is that it’s a Johnny Carson style talk show but dedicated to New Orleans. Just from the first show I added to my New Orleans cultural knowledge. There were stories about buttermilk bisquits and Grow Dat youth farming in New Orleans, Meschiya Lake sang some damn good ballads, and standup comedian Leon Blanda turned out to actually pretty funny.

The other night I took Sumner to his Christmas present: a night at W.I.N.O.

You would have thought the guy walked into Disney World.

But instead of riding teacups you put a credit card into a wine machine and it pumps out wine, like so…

I’m not a wine connoisseur, and by that I mean I know absolutely nothing about wine except that I like it red. Sumner is much more in touch with his inner Bacchcus. So he was able to go around and choose wines from all different parts of the globe and we drank and made merry and I ate lots of olive tapenade while he was in his happy place.

I do what I can for the people I love.

A few days later Sumner took me to the Audubon Zoo. Not only are there ELEPHANTS (I will ride an elephant one day, goddamnit), but there is a Cajun Swamp exhibit that rocks my Yankee socks off.

I want one!

Sumner doesn’t quite understand my obsession with alligators. But seriously, look at them! Look at them!

It wants to eat you. I think it’s hilarious because alligators are terrifying (at least for me) but they are SO stupid. It’s like finding out the bully in your class you’ve been scared of is so dumb that not only can you run away from him but he doesn’t know how to walk without stumbling over his large feet. It’s ridiculous.

Also, I ran up Monkey Hill for the first time. I kept looking for the monkeys. Turns out there are no monkeys on Monkey Hill. You are the monkey.

Very clever, Audubon. Very clever…

The kids on the hill were NOT impressed with my Monkey Hill climbing skills. While I was looking around and asking Sumner, “But, where are the monkeys?” a few kids were waiting at the top of the hill saying “Hurry uppp. We want to race.” Sorry, kids. Mommy isn’t really agile anymore for rope spider webs, and if I had known I was going to have to climb up a rope bridge walk and then walk down one step at a time trying not to break my ankle I would have stayed on the ground. Sumner had to lift me up over the rope to get me down and I lost my shoe as all the adults waiting on the other side of Monkey Hill watched.

Gah.

And that’s the end of the list- for now. Today is Friday and tomorrow I take the trip up to Jackson to see some friends, drink some Irish beer at my favorite pub, and hear some low down dirty Blues music. I am very excited.

So, when are you coming visit?

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How To Be A Better Runner, or A Celebration of One Thing I Am Terrible At

I’m bad at running. Like, really bad. So bad in fact I’m too embarrassed to run at the gym. At the gym I’m forced to run on a treadmill which means I can’t escape the people who can see me running, poorly. At least on the street I can run away from people or, more likely, they can walk away from me as I lean over, panting, praying I won’t vomit on the Carrollton street mansion’s perfectly manicured lawn.

Everyone tells me, “No one is watching you. Get over it.” Well, I cant. I am watching myself. And if I was walking by someone whose face resembled a boiled lobster heaving on the side of the road I would wonder why that person hated himself so much to inflict such unnecessary pain.

Lobster-cartoon

I grew up hating running. I would mark with fear how many days were left until the dreaded “mile test” for gym class. Every year my gym teacher would stand on the outdoor track holding popsicle sticks as lap markers encouraging us to run a mile in under 12 minutes. In eighth grade there was this one smug kid, Jason, who would propel his long, lean legs around the track, circling me and my other friends at least twice as we walked each lap. There were the other girls who had experience in running, or at least had parents who acknowledged that there was a thing called “sports” that existed, and I envied how prepared they were. Namely, they had ponytails, running shoes, and sports bras.

I on the other hand wore street shoes, not even running sneakers to gym, because what did I know? Also, I didn’t own a sports bra and the concept of different bras for different occasions didn’t occur to me (I blame my mother and older sister, thank you very much). It’s also worth mentioning that I had frizzy hair that jutted out in a Roseanne Roseannadanna style earning me the nickname “Mushroom Head”. Imagine all of that, 13 year old Gilda running without a sports bra in street shoes, and you can begin to understand where my hatred of running emerged.

It was this

nola-woman-running

vs.

gilda_rosanna_rect

Skip ahead to New Orleans 2012 when I decided I wasn’t the same 13 year old girl anymore and smug punks like Jason are now the guys asking me for my number. I was an adult! I was able to move across country and establish a life for myself on my own, I could do anything! I owned a sports bra! I had Usher on my I-pod!

There are so many things I’m legitimately good at. Like public speaking. Making new friends. Color by number.

 

color by number

All great things. I so desperately wanted running to be on that list.

But it’s not. I’m just not good at it friends. I’m slow. I get tired after 6 minutes and have to take a serious walking break by 12. I make running ugly.

So naturally, today I went for a run.

And after 2 minutes (2!) I had to catch my breath. Full of shame, I continued walking just to keep moving. And then it occurred to me. Who the fuck cares? I was outside on the levee, the final rays of  sunlight playing across the Mississippi River. I wasn’t ready to go home. So I started running again. And then I had to stop. And then I started again.

I did that for another half an hour until it was too dark to see. As I walked back to my car I started thinking about how as an adult I have an aversion to doing something I have no talent in doing. Like math. But there are several things I’m not good at that I still really like to do, like singing or team sports, that when I do join friends for karaoke or kickball league, I have a terrific time.  So I’ve decided to start doing more things I’m terrible at. I’m going to try to no longer avoid situations that might cause me humiliation.

Maybe then those dreams when I sign up to sing in the high school talent show and I forget all the words will finally go away.

 

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reoccuring dream

Usually it starts with me surrounded by my family. This sickening feeling in my brain churns as I start to imagine if it’s possible. Could I have ever killed her? Was it me?

I try within the dream to think back in time. Where were we last? I see her straight, dirty blonde hair parted in the middle. She’s standing in jeans and an Abercrombie sweater. She’s nineteen.

It’s impossible. I realize, I wasn’t there.

She’s been dead for sometime now, at least a half a year or maybe it’s several years. But the judge wants me to testify. He wants me to stand in front of the jury and look them all in the face while I try to explain why I’m here and she’s buried outside our hometown.

Were we fighting? Did I hit her over the head?

It’s impossible, I say, looking at my father. I never would have hurt her. How can I explain to them that it wasn’t even an accident. I wasn’t even there! I scream.

She fell. Inside the bathroom of her college apartment. The shower running, the curtain half pulled back in anticipation for her to enter.  The steam rises as water stings sharply against the white, plastic tub. She is slumped down, her back against the sink cabinet. Her left hand gripping the sink’s lip. Jaw slack with vomit.

I usually wake up here, cold from sweat and clinging to the sheets. It’s true, I think in that moment between, I killed her. It’s my fault, I think.  I wipe my hair that sticks to my face. It takes a few moments until I can understand my surroundings.

I am in bed. I am alone. I was not there. I am innocent.

When Brooke died she was nineteen. I was a freshman in college living several hours away from her. Although we had fallen out from the passionate and often tumultuous friendship we once shared as children, we were not strangers. It had only been a couple of weeks prior to her death when we last spoke. I remember the thrill of seeing she had called me. We hardly spoke outside of the cul-de-sac connecting our homes.  I called her back immediately and she asked if I were planning to go home for Fall break. Temple didn’t have a Fall break, and after she chided me for having to stay in class while she went home, she said she would see me at Thanksgiving. Before we got off the phone I told her to tell her brother, with whom I shared a birthday, “Happy Birthday”. She laughed.

She died the day before our Birthday. Brain aneurysm. It tasted metallic in my mouth. Aneurysm. I had never heard of it before. I had to look it up on wikipedia. Brain aneurysm. A cerebrovascular disorder in which weakness in the wall of a cerebral artery or vein causes a localized dilation or ballooning of the blood vessel. For months afterward I would lay in bed imagining this hot, red balloon swelling inside her brain, filling with blood, until POP and then the lights would go out.

I dream about Brooke’s death infrequently. It will be a sunny morning in April and I’ll wake up to then realize she had been there. Usually she’s sick or she’s strange, standing in the background, possessing an undead quality.Othertimes I show up at her house and she’s there and I ask her where the hell she’s been. She usually replies that she had gotten sick. She had to go away.

But the worst is the trial dream. I’m always defending myself, afraid I will go to jail and terrified I actually committed her murder. Even after I’m awake, and the dark shadows which cling to the crevices of sleep have drifted away, she still lingers there with me. Nineteen. She watches me from underneath her headache, a red balloon swelling inside, wondering when I’ll admit the truth.

Hurricane Isaac Update 3

The Oreos are finished.

 

Yeah, ok, I had some help from a few people. So, ten out of the entire Oreos package I didn’t eat.

Ten.

That’s why we can’t have Oreos in the house.

Anyway! It’s Friday morning and my neighborhood has been without power since Tuesday around 1 a.m. I was not able to update on the hurricane since I was unable to get on the internet (obviously) and had to use whatever power was left on the computer to charge my cellphone once it ran out of juice. And since it was nearly impossible to call anyone on it and text messages were taking hours to go out, the phone was dead by Tuesday evening.

*Shout out to my amazing friend Jackie who let me spend Thursday night at her house where she’s had power the entire time. I would totally hate her petite, 5’1″ guts for that, except I’ve been able to charge my computer and phone at her house and take advantage of that silly luxury called light bulbs.

Tuesday  evening  I spent with my neighbors, Dan and Lex. We only had the radio to know what was happening with the storm. The most common thing people were saying on the radio was “we really didn’t expect this storm to be as bad as it was.” Isaac was a category 1, but it was moving between 5-8 mph over land and therefore was able to cause a great deal of damage.

There’s really nothing to do when you have no power and can’t leave the house. This is where Louisiana’s laissez faire attitude with booze comes in handy. I mean, if you’re without power for several days in the Louisiana heat, would you want to be sober? There was one bar in the Quarter mentioned on the radio that stayed open, even as 70 mph winds were wiping through the city. For as old as the Quarter is, it never floods and almost never loses power. Perhaps we should design the rest of the city as well as the 18 century founders? No?

At about 10 a.m. on Tuesday another neighbor was next door sitting by his grill, cooking meat and drinking beer. We took a walk around the neighborhood, even against the reports asking us all to stay inside. I was surprised by how much debris from the trees was strewn across the road along with power lines that had fallen down. It was good to take a walk, even with the wind and rain pounding us, especially since in the evening we were under a curfew. I didn’t want to be outside at night anyway; it’s an eerie feeling to see an entire city without light.

I was too spooked to go back into my place alone with the wind and no power still, so I slept most of the night at my neighbor’s house. We benefited from the winds being strong and kept the windows and the front door open to keep the house as cool as possible. It felt a little like sleeping outside camp style, we had the windows open for air and flashlights lighting our path.  I couldn’t help but think of the dangers  experienced by others during Hurricane Katrina. My neighbor a few houses down told me he stayed during Katrina and because of the looting at night they wouldn’t light candles. They were afraid people would know they were home and would break in to rob or hurt them.

Thankfully, Isaac has not been close to the destruction that was experienced during the Federal Flood. However, it’s hard to not make the connection, especially since it made landfall on the 7 year anniversary of the catastrophe. Even without power, we were blessed to be dry and safe inside. We have a gas stove and were been able to cook meals. Hearing about the damage from flooding that was caused in other parts of Louisiana, I can’t complain about anything.

Hurricane Isaac: The Official Janine Julia Updates from New Orleans #2

It’s still only drizzling here. I took the dogs outside for their walk. There was no one outside, which is unusual since there’s always someone walking or driving by on the street. It was silent except for the whoosing sound of the wind whirling around us. The sucking of the wind was pretty strong and it felt as though the next wind would be the one to finally pull me up into the air current. We made it to the end of the block until I was finally spooked enough by the wind to make the dogs come back.

Hurricane Isaac will make landfall sometime in the evening or early Wednesday morning. The wind is going about 40-50 mph according to the local news.

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Hurricane Isaac: The Official Janine Julia Updates from New Orleans

ImageHurricane Isaac, Update #1

Two bloody marys in, I’ve finished a bag of potato chips (I had help, back off!), and listening to a hurricane playlist on spotify while my neighbor plays Wii Mario. It’s still sunny and the pets are sleeping on the couch.

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The pets are obviously very concerned.

It turns out that preparing for a hurricane (Isaac just turned from a tropical storm to a hurricane 1) is a lot like preparing for a snow storm up North.

Now it’s true that Yankees do not have the added stress of possibly evacuating before a snow storm. Let me tell you a little about what a pain in the ass that is.

Before it was even clear whether or not the tropical storm would force New Orleanians to evacuate, all the gas stations were out of gas. All of them. Every pump I went to was out. That was Sunday. On Monday morning I woke up at 5 a.m. to get gas and there was already a line.

An evacuation also means figuring out to where you will be evacuating. Some people book motel rooms and others are lucky enough to have friends and family in cities that are not below sea level- achem. But the thing about a hurricane is that no one knows exactly which direction it will head. Because of this minor detail, all the cities one would most likely evacuate to- Houston, Baton Rouge, Jackson- are also in the possible pathway of the hurricane. So after the hair pulling traffic that turns a three-hour trip into a seven-hour stand still, you could arrive in a city that also loses power. Bummer.

All of those reasons are enough to not evacuate. Now add an independent, moody cat who will definitely scream for the entire seven-hour car ride, and you can see why staying in New Orleans is the preferred choice.

So once I decided I was staying put in New Orleans, preparing for Hurricane Yitzchak was similar to what I’ve witnessed in PA before a blizzard. The kids get excited to have a few days off from school and the moms turn into combat experts, circumventing traffic laws in the street and cutting people off in the grocery store for the last loaf of Wonder Bread.

My first trip to the store was on Sunday. I bought a hand-held radio, AA batteries, and refilled my prescriptions. If the power went out I would use the AA batteries for the radio and anything else that I needed. I didn’t know exactly what else I needed that was at home and took AA, but I thought to myself, “all you need is AA.” I was pretty impressed with my master hurricane preparedness.

Then I went to the grocery where I decided to pick up a few necessities. $68 later I had in my apartment: oatmeal, cereal, bloody mary mix, Oreos, vodka, salad, ice cream, pasta sauce, bananas, edamame, almond milk, coffee, 2 jugs of water, a bag of ice, beer, and seltzer. The really important stuff.

Once I put the food away I realized, I should find my flashlight. Then it dawned on my that I owned one flashlight and that the flashlight took DD batteries and I had none.

So, I bought beer and vodka and Oreos, but no DD batteries or  an extra flashlight.

(palm to face)

Then I realized I should probably have a cooler too. In case the power goes out it’s nice to have a cooler to use when you want to quickly grab a drink and don’t want to let the cool air out of the fridge.

In other words, I bought all this beer and I damn well was going to drink it while the power is out.

So back to the store.

This time I went to CVS. I bought a foam cooler and toilet paper. Now I was using my head. The confidence came back until I found out they were completely out of DD batteries. I was reminded of my past failure.

I then proceeded to Walgreens. They were out of batteries. I bought another cooler that wasn’t foam because I started to question whether the styrofoam would hold up and this one appeared sturdier. To make the purchase feel more productive I bought two cans of Pringles.

Side note: I never eat Pringles. I also avoid Oreos because if Oreos are in my house I turn into a crazed woman looking for her next cocoa fix. But something magical happens in the panic before a storm. Profound thoughts such as, “But what if the storm is so strong and all I want is white frosting sandwiched by two beautifully perfect chocolate cookies?” Or, “This hurricane is going to suuuuuuck. I bet potato chips would really help me not fall into a tailspin of anger and depression.”

So let’s catch you up to where I am now. I’ve spent almost $200 getting ready for this showdown. It’s Tuesday, the sun is still shinning, but the wind outside is starting to make that “whooo” whirling noise it does when sh*t is about to go down. Since I was a kid I have always loved storms, so I’m enjoying the anticipation for whatever is to come. Everyone is either outside trying to soak up whatever good weather is left or parking their cars on higher ground. I’ve got the laundry done, I’ve showered, filled bags of ice in the freezer, walked the dog, put the outside stuff inside, and even picked out a few new books to read.

I say “bring it” Isaac. I’m ready.

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Hello my lovelies.

I’m very excited to report that the last blog post was SO popular that it was viewed over 200 times! Yes, 200. For postsecret’s stats that’s a fail, but for this girl that deserves a high five!

Even my dad liked it. And if you know anything, you know my dad doesn’t like anything.

But apparently everyone loves to hear about dating disasters.

Seriously, I can’t tell you how many people texted/emailed/facebooked/gchated/came up to me in person (yes, people still talk face to face, mom) to tell me their worst date story.

Even my sister called me during the unholy hour of 6 a.m. to talk about it on her morning show at Froggy 101.

yep. she’s kind of a big deal

People love dating disaster stories.

And you know what? I aim to please.

it’s like, my motto.

Any who…There’s just so many stories to tell, ya know?

So, my lovelies, grab some cookies.

Get me one too, you punk.

It’s mother f*ing storytime.

I just adopted a dog from Animal Rescue Shelter of New Orleans and life has definitely changed. I never thought I was a small dog kind of person, but this little guy stole my heart.

His name is Fitzgerald, after my favorite author, Ernest Hemingway.

Anyway, life has become very exciting. Having a dog opens you up to a new world of walks, dog parks, and cuddling on the couch whenever you want.

The unexpected perk of having a dog is that I now have to wake up early to walk him which has turned my notorious sleeping in habit into an early riser. Did you know there are people awake and outside at 7 a.m.? I didn’t either!

So this morning, during our morning walk, Fitzgerald and I headed out around the cemetery next to my house. Franklin, my cat, is now an outdoor cat (this happened a half a year before the dog came, so Franklin’s not a victim, he’s just a punk). Franklin plays a fun game of “let’s follow and taunt the dog while mommy tries to get the dog to focus on going potty”. This game goes on the entire time we are outside, Fitz gets so excited to see Franklin he refuses to do anything else but stand on his hind legs barking for Franklin who pretends he can’t hear him while following us the entire walk. Usually I’m outside standing, sans bra, hair pulled up in a messy bun, dressed in my night clothes, pleading with the cat to just give me a break.

This morning, however, Fitz was able to pull the leash hard enough that he got free. He then proceeded to run into the cemetery after Franklin, leash trailing behind him in a happy parade. By the time I caught up with Fitz I found him rolling back and forth on top of a grave (!) into a pile of gooey cat shit. Holy. F*ing. Cat. Shit.

Franklin just sat there, with that look only cats can pull off, a mix of amusement and shame as if to say, “Control your dog, biotch.”

I grabbed the clean part of the tainted leash and pulled Fitz down to the house and proceeded to spray him with the garden hose.

Good morning.

This morning’s debacle got me thinking about how far I’ve come in my anxiety. If this had happened ten years ago I would have been unable to grab the leash and get the dog out of the cat feces. I would have been paralyzed by fear. I wouldn’t have been able to clean him off or probably touch him again without panicking.

It might be because of the medicine. It might be because if I hadn’t grabbed Fitz he would have stayed in that cat poop heaven for God knows how long. But I grabbed the dog, some soap, some gloves, and went to town with the hose.

That’s huge.

I’m not cured. I’ll always have anxiety. But without even realizing it, today I proved how far I’ve come from the teenager who feared most things I touched would make me sick.

If you’re reading this, and you have anxiety, have hope. You will be able to function one day.

And then you’ll be so far into your progress that you’ll be cleaning cat shit off your puppy.

You lucky survivor, you.

Good Morning Anxiety

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