mid-August

Sometimes I think life is going to promise me a few securities. But then, in a split second, a sudden single movement, an instinctual choice, everything I had decided was good and true is exposed to be nothing more than chance and circumstantial.

And then I embark on a new decision. Even when I know full well I’m in over my head and exposed. Suddenly, I am nothing again. I am dust. I am no more than every single other person who has wanted love and feared isolation.

The heat of August is growing more and more unbearable. The days seem to blend into one exhausted mass of sweat and dirt. The world is lifting one hand as if to say, “Why bother?” but can’t manage to squeeze the words out.

I spent my evening in front of the window unit on full blast, sprawled on top of the covers, pretending to be still. “What would Stillness do right now?” I worried, “What would Peace do?” Don’t you dare ask about what Love would do because Love brought you here at this point reviewing every conversation, every missed opportunity, the few times he put his hand on your arm (to remind you he was still there?).

We all make choices to find love. To keep love. To be safe. Each day passes and we want to know, “Am I living my life? Is this who I am? Is this everything?”

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